I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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