i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
