Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
