you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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