i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
