well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
