At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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