and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize