no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
