So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize