I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Randomize