But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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