did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
