i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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