We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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