12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I did not marry a roomba.
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