you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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