Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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