I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
