just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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