I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
