I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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