I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
her vagine was all disorganized.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
