Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
