New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have fence marks all over my body
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
God I need to hump something, right now.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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