I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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