You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
