i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
