so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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