the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
