You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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