By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
