Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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