Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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