You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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