Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
