Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
