already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
