This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
