Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize