So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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