if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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