I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
