We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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