So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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