if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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