I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
