I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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