Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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