Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
