well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Be still, my beating vagina.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
