The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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