i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I skipped work to stalk him.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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