I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
