At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
