You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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