Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize